40. read Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith

Many many moons after I first cracked the cover, and we are through! With some regret, too, because after the first couple of sections I got used to the writing style and began thoroughly enjoying myself. Joseph Smith was kind of captivating, it would seem. His sermons are charmingly confrontational, a little jumpy, and free of that careful polish that you find coating modern General Conference addresses. I think I like my prophets to be occasionally oblivious of PR etiquette. It makes them more real to me, less like another marvel of media packaging. By the end I was surprised by how much I liked Joseph Smith.

Somehow I had missed it in all my years as a church member, but Joseph Smith often emphasized a doctrine of spiritual independence. There were piles of great one liners, but I'll leave off with the darling of the bunch:

"Turn to God; for your religion won't save you, and you will be damned."

14. recertify in First Aid

I worked stocking shelves at a grocery store for a few months, and while I was there they offered free First Aid training to employees. I jumped all over it because it had a double bonus: I didn't have to pay for the class myself, and I got paid to be there. Double win. It wasn't as much giddy fun without my brother (without my brother is not the same?) but I am refreshed on what to do if you or someone like you drops in the street one day. You feel safer now, don't you?

32. go for one month without throwing away any food

Sometime last summer I managed to consume or save every food item I brought into the house. Apparently. I have it marked off as finished, and I'm going to believe that I did not lie even though I have no memory of that month. (Incidentally, is this why I'm supposed to keep a journal? So large tracts of my life don't go unexpectedly blank? Scary.)

61. play kabaddi in a public park

With small children! Ridiculous fun. The game, if you are not familiar with it, is mostly scuttling back and forth shouting "Kabaddi kabaddi kabaddi kabaddi -" while people throw themselves at you and drag you to the ground. There are rules and structure and points, but someone watching would see a confusion of screaming, running, yelling, giggling, bear hugs and dogpiles. Oh it's grand. Turned out it's good to have small people in the mix, because otherwise it looks like a gang of thugs crushing a lonely and unlucky victim. Think about wolves bringing down a deer and you'll have a fair idea of how it goes.

45. have a silent picnic

For a great time gather some talkative people together, set them out on a blanket with food, and forbid them speech. Their attempts to circumvent the silence are precious. They glance meaningfully at crackers and grapes, invent vague gestures, nod and smile to excess, and occasionally appear to be in some pain.

Just as wonderful is an afternoon with people who don't mind being quiet and a little self contained. When there's a ban on talking, nobody is under pressure to engage and entertain an audience. No aimless story telling, no chattering banter, no awkward pauses while we all wait for someone to step into a conversational gap. Instead there is a fresh summer afternoon, tasty snacks, and friendly company - and you're allowed to enjoy them all without the distraction of constant social twitching. The only interruption is the squirming of the talkative people.

Try this one. You'll be surprised at how much you don't need to say.

24. acquire kitchen worms

Is a bucket of worms under the sink impressive when you could have a big pile of decaying refuse in the back yard instead? I think not! And so I'm going to say this item is better than done. The original idea was to cut back on waste by doing small time composting in the kitchen. At the time I had no plans for a garden. But then ambition struck and I got permission from my landlords to put in garden beds over top of some gravel in the back yard, and now it made obvious sense to have a compost heap over in the corner. So I gleefully had one. Probably there were a plentitude of worms in that pile. I'm happy with it. Wouldn't you be happy with worms out there instead of next to your pots and pans?

72. grow flowers on public property

They were pink cosmos and they grew like oaks. The spot I chose was a little square of dirt and weeds in front of Klassy's Bakery where I happened to be working. (Yes, it was still public property - caught between public sidewalk and an alleyway, it couldn't be claimed by anyone.) By the time they bloomed I had quit and moved out of town, but I saw them once afterward and they were glorious. My benefactor for this episode was Janelle, who sprouted the plants from seed and gave them to me when they were ready for transplant.

95. wear my hair in curls in public on a special occasion

I have neglected my list for over a year. I curled my hair you see, and it resulted in the total upheaval of all things (refer to picture below). Hopeless distraction has been my lot ever since. Fear not! The list is not dead, only sleeping. Some things were completed long ago and never logged. Others are still in the works. A few are out of the question due to my altered circumstances, but we'll have a go at the remainder. Meanwhile, here's proof of my curliness.



Thanks are owed to Ryan, who inspired the special occasion, and Sera, who made the curl happen.

82. one month without YouTube

Have you tried to avoid YouTube? It's fiendishly difficult. The pack I run with spends a lot of time online, and they're often firing out links and uploading vids. So I was a little asocial with my YouTube fast. Beyond that, on the world wide web every third strand has some YouTube clip embedded on the page with commentary about this thing you've supposedly watched now. It was like walking in half way through the conversation, but this is happening online where you're supposed to be able to hunt down what you missed. For a month I was generally uninformed.

Technically I didn't make it. I listened to the audio of one clip because I was looking for the line "You are not like sand and that is why I love you." The most hilarious pick up line in the history of film making, right? I was hunting for it and wondering why it was nowhere, and this clip hinted that it had the goods. (The line doesn't exist, incidentally. Poor Padme. I thought there was this one reason for her to like Anakin, but as it happens I was mistaken. Her affection for him was in fact groundless.)

Also there was that movie I watched through YouTube. It was easier than waiting for it to download as a torrent. (Pitiful excuse, but I'm just so happy to have found one that I'm trotting it out with confidence. It cuts all kinds of mustard.)

And finally a friend required introduction to Brian Regan, funny man extraordinaire. So a crowd of us ran through a big string of clips. Group setting. They were on YouTube, not me. I don't regret it at all, and I'm not going to call my explanation an excuse because I have nothing to excuse.

That was my month. I don't know if I liked it. Here I thought I'd buy myself a bundle of extra time, because I'm not checking out Britain's Got Talent for hours at a time anymore. As it turns out, when I'm not vegging on YouTube I'm stagnating in some novel instead. No measurable benefit gleaned. Ah, well, call it a mostly successful exercise in self restraint, if you will. Even if that was the only upside to the fast I'd do it again. Except not. Next exercise in self restraint: item number 83. I am the Early Bird.

30. paint a fence or a room

There was this painting job and I needed money. The job fell apart, but not before I'd helped paint the upstairs and downstairs of a house over on the west side. I don't know if it can be said I painted any one room, but my work is in all of them. It was a grand way to spend two weeks and there is every chance that I am now competent as a painter. Thanks to Sera, who put in the word that got me hired and trained me in the ways of the brush and roller.

36. fire a gun

The firing range we used was a desolate place. It was at the foot of some steep hills and encompassed a few erratic dirt roads and a wide scatter of detritus previous shooters had used as targets. We used a computer screen and tower, some particle boards, a clock, and a few other miscellaneous chunks of rejected ware.

It was great. I fired a hand gun, a .22, and an assault rifle. Somehow it's easier to take shooting seriously when the gun has more recoil. The .22 had no kickback and it was a little surreal to fire it. Pull the trigger, and mysteriously holes appear some distance away. Yes, I am a mature homo sapiens and have the mental wherewithal to infer a causal relationship between the two, but the hole becomes more obviously my work when the gun that made it attacks me. I don't know why this is so, but it is and it made the handgun a joy to play with.

Again thanks go to Ryan, who took me to where the guns are, and to Stirling, the good natured gun man who let an ignorant girl handle his weaponry. Je vous aime bien.

5. stay with a budget for 2 months

Define "stay".

Through March and April I dutifully tracked my spending. March I overshot the budget by $50 and April by $30. We're going to consider this significant improvement and commence self congratulation. (Perhaps commemorated with some small spending splurge?) Logging money is oddly enjoyable, so I'm tracking over May as well to see that the trend of decreasing overspending continues.

Previously I assumed that I was immune to the insidious impulse buy. My records indicate that such does not hold true under specific conditions: I persuade myself that any expenditure is valid so long as the purchase is for someone else. In a fit of selfish rebellion, next month I want to make an impulse buy on my own behalf.

midstride: April

Nothing going on here. Everything's just packed away or not yet started. For unresolved items, please refer to previous midstride posts.

54. milk a goat

Alert readers may have noted that item 54. has not always been "Milk a goat." It used to be "Kill and help prepare a chicken." I have not done this. (Well think about it. Would you want to?) It appeared on the list because I wanted to experience some skill related to animals which become food. Several things might have accomplished this. Killing a chicken was one; catching and cleaning a fish was another; and milking a goat also counts. As a result of my goat milking stint I now play with the idea of some day keeping goats. No number of dead chickens could convince me that I wanted to keep chickens, so I think the change in item 54. is warranted.

It was . . . wonderful. Milking a goat as a novice was like a water fight, except the ammunition was warm milk and I was both aggressor and victim. Working my fingers the right way took concentration, as did learning to feel the flow of milk and getting the timing. It was unlike anything that would come up in the typical education. So there is a world outside of and untouched by academia. Now to find more of it . . .

I am indebted to a few people for this one. Thanks to Ryan, who took me to where the goats are, and Candy, the goat keeper and my milking mentor. She was the most patient of teachers and shared freely about her goats and what she's learned from and about them over the years. Warmest thanks to the spectacular Olsen family, who housed and fed me for several days, generously showed me around their enchanting homestead style property, and made me feel very welcome. They were the kindest of hosts and easy friends.

92. for one month read one conference talk per day

This one causes me to question how much compromise is acceptable in completing an item. What if you don't pull it off with exactness? What if the final product is a little slipshod? What if your efforts, like yourself, were almost good enough but not quite? What if you came so close and it was snatched from you by a crowded Friday, a careless moment that happened to stretch 24 hours?

Perhaps I should explain before I continue with my histrionics. I read a talk a day the length of the month, but there are three missed days mixed in. Since my month ended just as General Conference began, I capped my thirty odd days with eight hours of conference talks over two days. I figure I should get full credit for item 92. I more than made up the time I missed.

This is what I say to justify myself. But that's too easy, too permissive. I would have listened to General Conference without having it on a list somewhere, and the thing that was on a list I didn't get done as specified. There are still those missing three days. Do I force myself to start over from scratch? Do I assign myself a penalty for each day missed and grant myself title to another satisfied requirement only after the penalty has been paid? How far do these things stretch? I have had enough of the permissive society. (Trevor, I'm counting on you to place this reference.)

Executive decision: it's done, it's over, and I can get back to reading in the Old Testament. (Stop that cringing, girl. Be a man, get on with it.)

midstride: March

5. The budget is nothing elaborate, but it features nice round numbers and makes it easy to keep track of my spending. As of the first month I was only $50 overspent. (I have found my weak spot. It is food.) The second month should be more adventurous and also easier: the car is gone and gas money need never again be paid by me! Feverish cheers of exultation, great gusts of applause, et cetera et cetera.

I fully recognize that my update for the end of March is being posted two thirds of the way through April. It would make me feel negligent, except I have four fabulous items to report, three of which were accomplished the first week of April. We are ahead, my dears. Giddy whooping, unrestrained back slapping, et cetera et cetera.

90. have a buy nothing week

One week, no exchange of legal tender for goods or services. Sounds a little challenging, eh? Not really. Not for only a week. If there is food in the fridge and gas in the car (and a library card in the wallet) you've got everything covered. There was a dicey moment on Friday when I wanted snacks and couldn't just run out and buy them, so I did something that isn't often necessary: I bartered. Successfully! It went like so:

My brother took his lucre and I to the bakery. I pointed at things and he bought them and gave them to me. I did not pay him back later, because that's just borrowing money and money is out. Instead, I am going to meet his terms. I will play Portal for an unspecified amount of time, and he is relieved of dish washing obligations for one week. See? A money free exchange between he and I. Coming to that arrangement was far more amusing than picking something off a shelf and handing paper to a cashier.

43. celebrate pi day with friends (March 14th at 1:59pm, or 3.14159)

An afternoon in the kitchen with friends, about eight pies, and the ability to feed those pies to roughly a dozen and a half hungry persons . . . Makes for a good afternoon. Especially when there's whipping cream. Yee ummmmm.

52. read the Tao Te Ching

I found a few translations in the university library and chose the one by John C.H. Wu because the cover was attractive and there wasn't any commentary. I wanted just the verses as written by Lao Tzu. The text supports me in this. Simplicity is much better than complexity, and the masses are happier if they remain uneducated anyway. :)

It's a lovely read. Mind bending, familiar, so wrong, so right . . . and worth pondering, if only because this philosophy posits conclusions I could never find on my own. Even when I flat out disagree, after some thought I find that this old man isn't entirely nonsensical. There's something there, and even when I cannot grasp the deeper meaning it's charming and fun. The unexpected is around every corner. I felt as though Lao Tzu crouched in the pages waiting to swat me over the head with a bouquet of flowers.

"Welcome disgrace as a pleasant surprise. Prize calamities as your own body."

What can you do? You laugh at him. Then he explains himself and good grief, but he's right! I'm not about to convert to Taoism, but if I'd met Lao Tzu I probably would have liked him.

A sample:

Thirty spokes converge upon a single hub;
It is on the hole in the center that the use of the cart hinges.

We make a vessel from a lump of clay;
It is the empty space within the vessel that makes it useful.

We make doors and windows for a room;
But it is these empty spaces that make the room livable.

Thus, while the tangible has advantages,
It is the intangible that makes it useful.

41. write thank you notes to everyone for one Christmas

It seldom happens that I am moved to complain about too many people loving me. After all, hermits generally collect few people. There's my family and then a handful of others who count as additional kin, although they by some oversight do not share my blood. Last Christmas was slightly atypical. A dedicated hermit might have called it an orgy of togetherness. So the job was harder than anticipated. The final note count was 17. Just yesterday morning my momma appeared in my house and I handed off the last three for delivery.

It was an awkward and awarding experience. Sometimes people would dig out the card and read it while I stood there. (I thought they were supposed to tuck it away and read it when I am safely out of range? Okay, so that might be convention only in my own head, but it's uncomfortable to stand by while someone reads what I wrote to them. For one thing, I don't remember what I've written. For another, the bonus of writing a note is that it's so private even the source of the communication isn't around to observe the reaction. I like notes specifically because they allow uncensored reactions, and these people made me watch! Gah!) But I got a lot of hugs out of it, and it was a more colourful way to say thank you. Since then I've been given a couple of thank you notes in return, and how I love them. If others take it the same way, written thanks is a habit I want to continue.

Special thanks to Sera, who designed and produced the cards I used. They were gorgeous. I was so tempted to use one of them for her note, because they are lovely in a way that crayon art (my chosen method) can never be.